There are plenty of articles across the internet that can be super helpful if you’re dealing with a contentious relationship or if you’re trying to get over a tough breakup. This is not one of those articles. Instead, this particular article is about actively trying to get dumped by your significant other and the many ways that you can do so.
In all seriousness, I have to add a disclaimer. If you’re in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship and you want to get out of it, the only way you should do so is through mature communication. Go to your partner as an adult and tell them that you don’t want to be with them anymore. Honestly, trying to get your significant other to break up with you instead of ending the relationship yourself is a super immature thing to do. It happens a lot on television or in the movies, but it should never be done in real life.
Alright, disclaimer over. For the sake of imagination, let’s consider some of the more hilarious ways that you could try to convince your significant other to dump you.
Stop Wearing Deodorant
Hopefully your significant other isn’t so shallow that they’d break up with you just because you smell bad every once and a while, but even the most patient and forgiving person can only take so much. If you just stop wearing deodorant altogether, your significant other is going to have to deal with your putrid bodily stench every second that they spend with you, and that’s a surefire way to have them running for the hills. Make sure to be especially affectionate with them after you come home from the gym.
You stopped wearing deodorant and your partner still wants to stay with you? Alright, it’s time to kick it up a notch. Find something that smells horrible and rub it all over yourself. Your trash can is a great place to start. That guy on your street that never cleans up his dog’s poop? You know what to do.
Become Obsessed With Really Awful Music
Everyone’s gone through a phase where they like some pretty bad music. I’ve certainly found myself listening to some music that I’d be embarrassed to admit to my friends. But, if you really want your significant other to dump you, you need to find the most cringe-worthy musical artist and become a fully dedicated groupie. Constantly talk about that musical artist. If you don’t already have one, get a Bose speaker and play their music throughout your house whenever your significant other is around. Get multiple t-shirts that show your loyalty to that artist.
You need to take on the full persona of whatever type of awful music you decide to get into. If you choose to become a frat rap fanboy and start listening to Hoodie Allen and Chris Webby, you’re going to need to invest in several basketball jerseys and a snapback hat, which should be worn backward at all times. If you’re trying to drive your significant other away with dubstep artists like Yellow Claw and Knife Party, glow sticks and face paint will need to become a permanent staple of your wardrobe.
Walk Like an Absolute Fool
Everyone knows that one of the most annoying things you can do is walk at a ridiculous pace, either too fast or too slow. If your significant other is rushing you to get somewhere, you should walk as if your shoes are made of iron and you haven’t used your legs for the last 20 years. If you’re significant other is trying to enjoy themself on a nice stroll in the park, you should be borderline sprinting. If you’re not sure whether to walk too fast or too slow, alternate between the two sporadically.
Another nice touch is to stop walking completely at random and pretend to admire things in the surrounding scenery. To make sure you’re being as unbearable as possible, you should make sure that the things you choose to stare at are entirely lackluster, and then direct your significant other’s attention to them. Lampposts are good for this, as are gas stations and law offices.
Get On a Really Annoying Diet
Getting on a diet takes some serious dedication, but if you really want to drive your significant other away, this is one of the best ways to do it. Find the most annoying diet with the most restrictions that you possibly can. Then, allow that diet to become your entire personality. If your significant other is ever bold enough to offer you food, question them incessantly about the ingredients. Read the ingredients on the label of every food item for at least 5 minutes before consuming it. It’s also very important to constantly shame your significant other for not being on the same diet as you.
There are plenty of options for annoying diets. If you choose to go on the keto diet, make sure you’re constantly raving about how great you feel when your body is in ketosis. If you choose to go on the low-carb diet, you should try to appear visibly disgusted whenever you see a slice of bread. If you go with the paleo diet, it’s important to always talk about how humans were never meant to outgrow the hunter-gatherer stage of evolution.
Eat Like an Undomesticated Animal
Volume, filthiness, and splash radius are really what we’re going for here. You want your chewing to sound like someone is stomping around in a swamp. If you need to, you can practice eating loudly alone to make sure that your chewing is at its highest possible decibel level when your significant other is around. There should also be food all over your face and hands, especially if you’re eating in public. Feel free to completely ignore any utensils on the table and use your hands to eat foods that should absolutely not be eaten with your hands. Chicken legs, spaghetti, and soup are all great examples.
In general, you want to eat like you’ve just been dropped on the Earth and have never seen food before. Watch videos of hyenas or alligators on YouTube for inspiration. Bonus points if your noshing becomes so wild that you actually get food on your significant other’s plate or, even better, on their person.
Get a Pet Without Consulting Them
First of all, if you live with your significant other, you need to come home one day completely unannounced with a new pet that the two of you never talked about getting. The weirder and less cute the animal is, the better. Do a little research to find out what your significant other’s least favorite animal is and then get that one. Extremely loud birds are typically a safe bet, as they’ll drive your significant other completely off the wall.
Your work isn’t done there, however. You need to ensure that the entire burden of caring for that pet falls on your significant other. Whenever you can, get out of the house and then call up your significant other and ask them to feed your new pet. When your significant other isn’t home, let your animal roam free around the house and encourage it to poop in the most inconvenient of places. Then, get out of the house again and leave your partner to clean up the mess of a pet that they never wanted in the first place.
Develop an Awful Habit
There are certain subtle ways to make your significant other resent your presence. Try tapping your foot at all times. This works especially well when the two of you are watching an intense movie together. Another similar method is to click a pen as many times as you can until your significant other tells you to stop. Then, when they aren’t looking, start clicking the pen again. While you’re at it, you can also chew on the end of the pen until it’s a mangled plastic mess.
Pretty much making any noise repeatedly all throughout the day will suffice for driving your significant other crazy. If you’re short on materials, you can yawn or sigh with excessive volume and frequency. If your significant other questions you about why you’re yawning or sighing so much, simply tell them that you don’t know what they’re talking about.