The genius of actors is their ability to portray different people from different walks of life on the big screen. They dazzle us by taking on entirely new identities with unique personalities and life circumstances. Many actors have worked in other professions throughout their lifetimes, and they use those experiences as inspiration for their on-screen performances.
I personally find it extremely fun to imagine famous actors in professions other than acting. What if Leonardo DiCaprio worked at a Walmart? What if Jennifer Aniston was pumping gas instead of starring in Horrible Bosses? Well, those don’t seem too fitting. However, in my opinion, there are some actors out there that would fit perfectly into professions other than acting. In a completely fictional and nonsensical mental exercise, let’s ask ourselves: what would these actors be if they weren’t actors?
Cameron Diaz (Flight Attendant)
I’m not sure what it is, but there’s something about Cameron Diaz wearing a flight attendant’s ascot and handing me an extremely small bag of peanuts that just feels so right. Perhaps my opinion is biased because I have been on a flight where one of the flight attendants did bear a staggering resemblance to Cameron Diaz. However, if you’re going to tell me that seeing Cameron’s warm smile wouldn’t comfort you while you’re a mile high in the air, I don’t want to hear it.
Think about this: you’re reclining your seat on a flight with a miniature bottle of wine and watching Shrek, and Cameron Diaz walks down the aisle and starts quoting the movie in real time for you. I guarantee you’d never have a better flight experience in your life.
Charlie Sheen (Strip Club Owner)
Alright, I feel like this is kind of a given. In fact, I’d be surprised if Charlie Sheen doesn’t already own a strip club. Charlie Sheen in a strip club feels about as natural as a meatball in spaghetti. You walk into a strip club and suddenly you’re greeted by a skeptical mook by Mr. Sheen, who points you to the buffet and bar, and asks you to please not touch the dancers.
Apparently, I’m not the only one who associates Charlie Sheen with strip clubs, though. A strip club called Cheetah’s actually got into a lawsuit with the Two and a Half Men actor because they named one of their VIP rooms “The Charlie Sheen Room”. Honestly, I’m pretty astonished that Sheen wasn’t flattered by the gesture.
George Clooney (Touch of Gray Product Ambassador)
The fact that Just For Men hasn’t hired George Clooney to do a commercial for their Touch of Gray hair color product is just a missed opportunity. Who embodies the “silver fox” look more than Clooney? If the Intolerable Cruelty star was selling Touch of Gray door-to-door, every household in America would have a tube of it in their bathroom cabinet.
“You mean this product can make my husband look like you?” said every married woman in the country. “I’ll take five of them.” I mean, the guy was named the People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive, so I don’t think he’d have any trouble selling Touch of Gray. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, I might go pick some up myself.
Don Cheadle (Jazz Upright Bassist)
I think that if I walked into a jazz club and saw Don Cheadle plucking away on the upright bass, it’d bring me a comforting feeling. He’s got a glass of Grand Marnier on a stool next to him that he’s taking sips of while the pianist plays a solo. The lights are dim and there’s a shadow over his face from the suede bowler hat on his head. When the show’s over, he silently walks out the club’s back door and loads his bass into his black Lincoln Continental and drives back to his studio apartment. It’s just so right.
It would appear as if Don Cheadle is actually a big fan of jazz music, as he directed and starred in the 2015 film Miles Ahead about Miles Davis, and apparently he even has a musical background. I don’t think he actually plays the upright bass, but I think it’s damn fun imaging that he does.
Anne Hathaway (Librarian)
Alright, before I get accused of writing my sexual fantasies into this article, I sincerely think that Anne Hathaway could provide some pretty great book recommendations. Something about her demeanor makes me picture her telling me that my copy of The Catcher in the Rye is two weeks overdue in the nicest way possible.
It’s possible that Anne Hathaway is actually a big fan of reading. The Princess Diaries, The Devil Wears Prada, Les Miserables, and Alice in Wonderland are all film adaptations of books. Imagine checking out one of those books at a library and having Anne Hathaway tell you that it’s one of her favorites. I’d certainly trust her judgment.
Jennifer Lopez (Public Defender)
If I had to go on trial for a crime I committed, I’d want Jennifer Lopez in my corner. She’s wearing a pinstriped suit, she’s got her hair tucked back in a bun, and she’s hell-bent on making sure that you walk out of that courtroom scot-free. I feel like Jennifer just has a presence to her that would be really difficult to argue with. If I was a plaintiff’s attorney and I walked into a courtroom and saw that the public defender was Jennifer Lopez, I’d immediately start sweating.
Lopez also came from humble beginnings growing up in a small apartment in the Bronx, so I feel like she’d have no problem interacting with the underprivileged people who cannot afford their own lawyers and require public defenders. I can see it now: Jennifer Lopez power-walking through a courthouse with a briefcase in her hand, ready to take on the trial of the century.
Jack Nicholson (Butcher)
I suppose that Jack Nicolson being a butcher is only a natural progression from all of his roles in horror movies like The Shining, Wolf, and The Witches of Eastwick. While I can’t really picture young Jack Nicholson slicing up animal carcasses in a butcher’s shop, I can totally picture old Jack Nicolson asking you what cut of beef you want while wearing a smock covered in blood.
Nicholson’s face has a comforting, hometown look to it that you’d expect to see in a butcher, but it also has the slightly twisted quality that one might develop from spending countless hours slicing up flesh. He’s endearing, but also a little bit terrifying, which is what makes him one of my personal favorite actors of all time.
Whoopi Goldberg (Spiritual Healer)
Want some incense, some handmade beads, or a jade egg to stick in your you-know-where? Whoopi Goldberg’s got you covered. She’s just got the look and the overall vibe that makes it seem like she should be behind a counter in a store that sells products promising to nourish your pineal gland and open your third eye.
I’d say that out of all the hosts of The View, Whoopi is definitely the most chilled-out and level-headed of the bunch. Can her equanimity be attributed to holistic essential oils and healing gems? I wouldn’t rule it out.